All That I
by Fuyumi
Summary: Reflections by Hermione and Harry about being in love, although not together.
1. Hermione : Need

**All That I**   
**Disclaimer**: I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc. 

**Part I: Need**

Ignoring you is not possible so I look up and across the room. There you are smiling and laughing, with her. You don't even see me. Of course you know that I'm here—we're such good friends even though you're now with her. Yet when you're together with her, I might as well not exist for all the attention you give to me. 

It's all right. 

I'm not angry. Of course, it hurts. Sometimes seeing you happy without me makes it so hard to breathe but I won't die. 

When I was younger, I thought you had to have your love returned to be happy, that it was saying 'I love you' that made the feeling true. I loved fairy tales, where the princess would always get her prince. I thought that you would be my knight in shining armor, clichéd though that may be. So during that summer after you first got together with her, I cried daily in my room. It was incomprehensible that I could love someone with all my heart and soul yet that love would go forever unacknowledged. If anyone had asked me before, I would have told them that my love was true but during that summer, I started to doubt it. How could a love be true if was ignored by all but me? 

My mother took me aside one day and told me that I was wrong. Love wasn't mere words, she said, but a reality in and of itself. I asked her how I would know if my love was true. She told me if I could let my love go, then it was real. I know that she was saying that I should move on and let go of my love for you but that is something that I simply cannot do. 

You can't let go of what you never had. 

That's perfectly fine. I can't ever let go of you because I never had you and never will but I love you all the same. Though I might wish otherwise, there's nothing I can do to change what you feel. Despite my love being unrequited, I am not mad at either you or her. 

When you first fell in love with her, I thought that surely I would not be able to stand seeing you two together, day after day, infatuated with one another. That fear of mine never came to pass. I thought I would take my hurt out on you when I saw you again in September but that has not happened yet. I never expected this but watching you two together makes me smile because I see that you're so happy. It does hurt not to be the object of your affections but it's not unbearable. It's hard to describe the pain—it's like a fluttering in my chest that I cannot seem to get rid off. I am fine though and I'll be okay. The pain does not matter to me. 

I can stand this pain although it's my constant companion. I can stand being left alone. I can stand being left outside the circle of those you most adore. Like any who love, there's the pressure to push myself into your field of vision but it's far easier to resist that urge than I ever would have imagined. My love for you lets me do all this. 

I think there's many more types of love than the one my mother described. I think there are as many loves as there are thoughts and dreams under the sky. My love for you is but a single dream. It's inconsequential to all but me. No one else will ever know it and I can live with that. It's strange but I don't need it to be reciprocated. 

I don't have to have been with you to know that I love you. I don't have to hear those words grace the air. I don't have to let you go to know it's true. No matter what happens, no matter what choices you may make, the truth will always be that I love you. 

I don't have to tell you the words. Your smiling face is enough reason to keep breathing. Jealousy has no place in what I feel. I can watch you with her, her head resting on your shoulder, red hair merging with deepest black, and smile. I would love to be the one you adored but if that's not possible, I'll have no regrets so long as you don't. 

You see, I don't need your love to survive. Just so long as you love someone who loves you back, that's enough for me. I don't have to have you by my side. You're still alive in spite of everything that you've had to face. That's what counts in the end. I don't want you above all things. I'd rather be sad forever than see you blue. I would rather never see you again than have to see your emerald eyes cloud up with tears. I'm content with just watching you across the room, even though you're with someone else. 

You're alive and happy. 

That's all that I need.   
  
  
  
  
****

**Author's note**—I should have the next part up maybe tomorrow and who knows when part three will come up. I hope you did enjoy this fic. Please leave a review with any comments or remarks that you might have. Thank you.   



	2. Harry : Want

**All That I**   
**Disclaimer:** I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc.   


**Part II: Want**

She's looking at me again. 

Please stop. Please stop. I need her to stop. 

She finally glances down and away from me. Does she know how hard it is to act like she isn't here? Does she know how I long to kiss her whenever she's near? I love her so much and it keeps getting harder not to show it. 

Ginny whispers something in my ear. It's meant to be funny and so I laugh. 

I can feel her gaze on my face again. I want so much to go over to her, where I belong, and kiss her senseless. I don't want to stay here. I don't want the girl sitting by my side. All I want is her and she I can never have. I can't think of anything else, when she's looking at me like that. 

She looks away once again and slowly my self-control comes back. 

It's hard to be in love with someone who you're not allowed to say the words to. Falling in love with her was the easiest thing I have ever done. It's more natural than breathing and I fall more in love with her with each and every moment that passes. How could I not love her? She's lovely and sweet, a loyal friend through and through. She knows every thought I think and is always willing to help me in any way I need. Of course I love her—I love her for everything she is and for everything that she does. 

I want her to know that I love her, that I absolutely adore her. 

I can't say the words however. That would be wrong. I don't want her to feel obliged to love me. I don't want to see her eyes dim at my confession while she blandly says she loves me too. I want anything but that. 

Unfortunately, that's the best-case scenario. What would I do if she loves me back? I know perfectly well what I would like to do. I would hold her until holding her wasn't enough and then kiss her until kissing wasn't enough and then love her, love her until we fuse together as one. We'd only need to say our vows to one another with our love being the sole witness. We'd stay together as one beyond death, until the sky falls down upon us and beyond. We would never be apart. 

I could never leave her. That's why I can't have that which I most want. 

I know perfectly well what my destiny is. I know that I don't have the luxury of making my own fate. There's a darkness that's been after me ever since I was young and one day it I must face. When that day comes, I have to do it alone. I can't risk anyone else getting hurt, and especially not hurt. I'll have to leave whoever I then call my love behind and pray that I'll be able to return. 

That is simply not possible with her. One look into her luminous brown eyes and I'll be undone. I would never want to leave. My mind would short-circuit and I wouldn't be able to think. I would stay by her side until it became far too late. 

Or more likely, she'll think for me. Her vision has always been so clear. Although my mind may not be able to function when I'm beside her, she'll have no problems like that. I can see her moving us on, towards my fate. And I can see her leaping in front of me, dying, protecting me at all costs. 

I completely and absolutely do not want that. 

She's too good to waste her life on me. I love her too much to ever bear the sight of her dead before my eyes. I don't ever want to hand her that choice. It's better that she stay far away from me than have to risk the sleep of death. 

Despite that, I can't help but love her. I can't help but want to have her by my side. I want so much to look into her eyes and see my love reflected back at me. I love her and it hurts not to tell her. It hurts not to ever know whether there would be a chance for us if it were not for my fate. Still I will do what's expected of me. When the time comes, I'll push my current love aside and walk on fearlessly to meet whatever's out there. 

That doesn't change a thing though. No matter what happens, there's one thing that will always be true. 

She's all that I want.   
  
  
  


**Author's note**—I have a vague inkling of an idea for a part three sitting at the back of my head, but no guesses as to when I'll actually write it. In any case, I would love to hear any comments you have about this review so please leave a review. 

Also, thanks so much to the previous reviewers:   
**Nappa**—Yes, that POV was Hermione's. After all, the girl Harry was with had red hair, in case you didn't notice. BTW, was there anything specific that made you think of someone else or was it just the angst factor? Because to me, that piece sounds like Hermione because I think she's the only mature enough to be able to love like that, without any hope of reciprocation.   
**Animagus-Steph**—blushes> You always do pay the nicest compliments in your reviews. I don't deserve them but I am glad to know you liked this fic, along with the others. Thanks.   



	3. Together : Love

**All That I**   
**Disclaimer: **I don't own HP or any of these characters.  That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc. 

**Part III: Love**

In the end, the farce had been finished off with a single question. 

"Do you love me?" she had asked without a shred of hope. 

He didn't want to answer.  He avoided her eyes.  He shuffled his feet and pretended as if he had not heard her. 

"Harry, do you love me?" she had asked again. "I think that we've been friends long enough that I at least deserve an answer . . .  whatever it may be." 

"That's not the sort of question a friend should ask.  Especially when the 'friend' knows that I'm dating another witch.  Hermione, you can't honestly expect me to answer something like that!"  He had begun to pace back and forth in front of her, dying to tell her the truth but afraid to live. 

"Do you love me?  I know you're dating Ginny.  You've dated so many other witches and not me but that's not what I want to know right now.  So please – if you care for me at all, answer the question.  Because it may be selfish beyond belief but I really need to know.  Do you have any room in your heart for me?" 

"You are my heart," he had whispered but she had still heard his words. 

And that was it. 

**** 

To this day, I still do not know what possessed me to ask Harry that question but I was glad I did.  I had been content in just knowing that he was happy.  If he was happy, that was all that mattered.  I knew that while I might not ever be able to find someone who could take his place, that I could still find someone to love with the rest of my heart and who would love me back.  So my wondering about if Harry loved me – that was more academic than anything else. 

I've always been too curious – some would say too curious for my own good. 

Since I no longer cared if he did love me – though I hoped in the brightest part of my soul that he did – I knew if he said no, it wouldn't have hurt me as much as it could.  Rest assured it would have been painful, to know without a doubt that I had no chance with him.  But with whatever measure of pain that would have passed to me, I would have gained the knowledge of what he truly felt for me.  I would no longer question if he had any glimmerings of desire long concealed for me.  I would perhaps be able to move on with my life and find that someone else, get my second chance. 

So though I risked making him feel guilty, I had to ask him.  If he had said no, I would have claimed that my love for him was a passing fancy and have left him alone after that.  Not completely alone – I would always be his friend, even if I couldn't be more, even if he was not my friend – but I would not bring up the subject ever again. 

But he said yes.  He said I was his heart.  I had always thought the sun bright but its brightness cannot compare to the dazzling joy I felt then.  I had ran up to him and enveloped him in a hug, and somewhere along the way, we had started kissing. 

I had he who I loved.  I have he who I love and together we shall be till the end of our days and beyond. 

**** 

To this day, I do not know what would have happened if Hermione had not asked that question.  Perhaps I would have made my confession in another way – maybe after the fight with Voldemort was over and my life was as much my own as it would ever be.  I might have been brave enough to tell her I love her then but I can't be sure.  It's easy to become caught up in others' expectation of you and by then, everyone had expected me to marry Ginny.  The hints from the Weasleys alone were sickening.  I could not visit the Burrow without some reference being made about my becoming one of the family some day in the near future.  And how I hated dinners sitting between Mrs Weasley and Ginny, with the two of them discussing what were their favorite gemstones and what would be the best decorations for a wedding. 

I didn't know then that I would tell Hermione I love her but I did know that I did not want to spend the rest of my days with Ginny.  She's a perfectly nice girl but she wasn't who I wanted.  I didn't know if I could depend on her like I knew I could depend on Hermione.  I had already been thinking about how to break it off with Ginny, without her being too hurt or having Ron coming after me to inflict bodily harm when Hermione insisted on her answer. 

And I could not lie. 

Telling her the truth was such a relief.  It got even better when she threw her arms around me and hugged me.  And then I had to kiss her.  After denying myself of her for so long, I had to know then and there how she tasted and how she felt.  I wanted to memorize her soul though I knew that we two would never part. 

Some things after that weren't easy.  Ginny had ragged on about how we betrayed her and Ron would have hexed me to hell and back  if Hermione hadn't hexed him first. The very next day, I received Howler from Mrs Weasley while Hermione had received another one of those cursed letters.  It had taken all of Hermione's persuasion to convince me not to send one back.  Instead, we sent one letter thanking her for announcing our new relationship in a more effective way than any we had planned.  I also asked Dumbledore if there was any way to prevent such mail coming and thankfully, there was.  It's rather sad to say but we didn't have much correspondence with the Weasleys for a while after that.  It was as if I weren't to marry Ginny that they didn't want to know me and it was worse for Hermione.  Oddly enough, the only one we kept in touch with was Percy and I always suspected that was because he only did that because he thought it would be good for his career.  Eventually the rest of the Weasleys began to talk to us again. 

Yet although I've not made everyone happy with my choice and indeed, I made many people unhappy with my choice – the one I love is happy and that's all that matters. 

The one I love is happy and smiling, so I'm happy and smiling too.  And pretty soon, we'll be three – and that makes us happier yet. 

I have all that I love and I am content. 

_*owari*_


End file.
